You know you're being Australian when... (part 1)

? You know the meaning of 'girt'
 
? You're secretly proud of our killer wildlife
 
? You feel a hamburger isn?t edible without a slab of beetroot or a ring of pineapple on it
 
? You know as a fact that every important discovery in the world was made by an Australian but then sold off to the Yanks for a pittance
 
? You can order takeaway fluently in a variety of Asian language
 
? You expect that all Christian names, as a given, will be shortened if they are longer than one syllable, unless they are only one syllable in which case they will be lengthened
 
? You also know that if you have a distinguishing feature your nickname will always reflect the opposite
 
? You understand that the great universal word 'Mate' can have many meanings positive, negative and descriptive depending on the pronunciation and tone
 
? You can translate any English common noun into Orstrayan English by the use of the first one or two syllables and the addition of '-ies' without thinking, and thus understand intuitively what sunnies, bikkies, trakkies and jarmies are
 
? You know what the phrase 'drier than a dead dingo's donger' mean
 
? You now that a ?Broadmeadows briefcase? isn?t really for work at the office
 
? You think it is a given there will be a fridge inside for the food and another fridge in the garage for the beer
 
? You know why ?NT working boots? can be worn to the beach
 
? You believe stubbies can either be worn or drunk
 
? You walk with a limp due to the 53 expired petrol discount vouchers stuffed in your wallet or purse
 
? You've made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for something illegal such as watering the garden
 
? When you hear that an American 'roots for his team' you wonder how often and with whom
 
? You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwi
 
? You know, whatever the tourist books say, that no one says 'cobber'
 
? Your friends find you inconsolable by the knowledge that the ?Wagon Wheel? has become smaller with every passing year
 
? You wear ugh boots outside the house
 
? You understand that the phrase 'a group of women wearing black thongs' refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sound
 
? You pronounce Melbourne as 'Mel-bin'
 
? You pronounce Penrith as 'Pen-riff'
 
? You believe the 'L' in the word ' Australia ' is optional
 
? You can translate: 'Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Macca
 
? You believe it?s normal for a country to decorate its highways with giant bananas, prawns, sheep and oyster
 
? You understand that 'you' has a plural and that it's 'youse'
 
? You believe that the more you shorten someone's name the more you like them
 
? You know it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle
 
? You call your best friend 'a total bastard' but someone you really, truly despise is just 'a bit of a bastard'
 
? You think 'Woolloomooloo' is a perfectly reasonable name for a place
 
? You believe is makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's twice as big as its $2 coin
 
? You understand that 'Wagga Wagga' can be abbreviated to 'Wagga' but 'Woy Woy' can't be called 'Woy'
 
? Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway fluently in every Asian language
 
? You understand that 'excuse me' can sound rude, while 'scuse me' is always polite
 
? You know what it's like to swallow a fly, occasionally via your nose
 
? Your biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules of beach cricket
 
? You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call 'Anzac cookies'
 
? When returning home from overseas, you expect to be brutally strip-searched by Customs - just in case you're trying to sneak in fruit
 
? You believe the phrase 'smart casual' refers to a pair of black tracky-daks, suitably laundered
 
? You understand that all train timetables are works of fiction
 
? When working at a bar, you understand male customers will feel the need to offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer
 
? You get choked up with emotion by the first verse of the national anthem and then have trouble remembering the second
 
? You find yourself ignorant of nearly all the facts deemed essential in the government's new test for migrant
 
? You believe it is appropriate to put a rubber in your son's pencil case when he first attends school
 
? When you hear that an American 'roots for his team' you wonder how often and who with
 
? You immediately forward this list to other Australians, here and overseas, realising that only they will understand
 
? You've mimicked Alf Stewart from the TV show Home and Away's broad, Australian accent, eg. "push off, ya flamin' drongo!"
 
? You've had an argument with your mate over whether Ford or Holden makes the better car,
 
? You've done the "hot sand" dance at the beach while running from the ocean back to your towel
 
? You start using words like 'bloody' and 'grouse' and call people 'champ'
 
? You stop greeting people with 'hello' and go straight to the "how ya goin'?"
 
? You've been to a day-nighter cricket match and screamed incomprehensibly until your throat went raw
 
? You have a personal story involving excess consumption of alcohol and a mate named 'Dave'
 
? When a British backpacker asks if he can 'bum a fag,' you suggest he try 'Oxford Street [Sydney]'
 
? You've tried to hang off a clothesline while pretending you can fly
 
? You've had a visit to the emergency room after hanging off the clothesline pretending you can fly
 
? You?ve had to apologise to the owner of a clothes line for wrecking it while pretending to fly
 
? You own a pair of thongs for everyday use, and another pair of dress thongs' for special occasion
 
? You don't know what's in a meat pie, and you don't care
 
? You pronounce Australia as "Straya"
 
? You call soccer "soccer, not "football"
 
? You've squeezed Vegemite through Vita Wheats to make little Vegemite worm
 
? You suck your coffee through a Tim Tam
 
? You realise that lifeguards are the only people who can get away with wearing Speedo
 
? You pledge allegiance to Vegemite over Promite
 
? You've played beach cricket with a tennis ball and a bat fashioned out of a fence post
 
? You firmly believe that in the end, everything will be ok, and have told a mate in tough times that "She'll be right, mate"
 
? You use the phrase, "no worries" at least once a day
 
? You've been on a beach holiday and have stayed in a caravan at least once
 
? You constantly shorten words to "brekkie", "arvo" and "barbie"
 
? You've adopted a local bar as your own and get a bit touchy about who shows up there
 
? You know the oath of mateship can never be limited by geographical distance